Episode 77: Your Relationship Stories

Relationships can be complicated, right? But did you know you can control how much complication there is just by looking at the stories you have around them?

In this week’s episode, I share the reasons behind those stories and how they affect all the relationships in your life.

What You’ll Learn:

• How to discover the stories you have and see them clearly.
• Why knowing your stories shapes your ability to be happy.
• How to recognize when blame becomes part of the plot.
• The importance of changing the narrative in your mind.

Having a set of neutral eyes and ears can help you see things you’re just too close to. That’s why working together is the fastest way to less drama and more healing. Schedule your Discovery Call with me today so we can get started rewriting your stories to ensure a fulfilling career and happy life. 

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Transcript

Hey friends! How are you? Happy Worthiness Wednesday. Don’t you love that name for the middle of the week? I think it’s way better than calling it “hump day” and it’s a great reminder that you are worthy just because you breathe. Isn’t that wonderful? You are worthy because you exist. Just heaven.

So, all month long I’m talking about the stories we tell ourselves. Last week’s episode was an amazing interview I did with author and financial expert Jean Lynn. We talked about our stories about money so if you haven’t listened to that you really need to do so. 

This week I want to look at the stories we have around our relationships: with our parents, kids, relatives, friends, lovers, spouses, coworkers, bosses – all of them. And do we have stories – whew! We come by them honestly because they begin being part of our psyche at an early age. We take on the stories that our parents and grandparents have and are raised thinking that Aunt Kate is a gold digger because she married an older man with money because of course there couldn’t be any other explanation for that. Or that Uncle Carson is a loser because he doesn’t have a “real” job because he chooses to be part of the gig economy.

What stories did you grow up with? I invite you to pause and think about some of them right now. Are they true? Interesting, right? Well, let’s talk first about these stories that are typically not enhancing your life by believing them.

There’s a hidden system that creates unhappiness, difficulty changing habits, relationship problems, frustration, anger and disappointment.

Barely anyone is aware of this because our brains are always on autopilot and it’s happening all the time, in all of us.

It’s the stories we tell ourselves.

We do it all day long: we tell ourselves a story about what’s happening in our lives, about other people, about ourselves. When I call them “stories” … that doesn’t mean they’re false, or that they aren’t based on the truth. It just means we’ve constructed a narrative based on our experiences, a perspective on the world around us, an interpretation of facts as we see them. Not false, but not necessarily the entire truth - just one perspective.

A different person could look at the same situation and tell a very different situation.

A few examples:

1.     You might have a story about how your boss is very supportive and praises you a lot, which means you are doing a good job and like your work environment, and this story makes you happy. Another person might look at the same situation and tell a story about how you’re a kiss-ass and favored by the boss and they never get the same treatment, which results in resentment and a poor working relationship.

2.     You might be upset with your spouse because he or she was rude to you or didn’t clean up his or her messes for the last few days. Another person might have the same experience but tell themselves a story about how his spouse has been working hard at her job, has gone out of her way to cook a nice meal, and is tired and needs some comforting.

3.     You might have a story about how you keep procrastinating, keep failing at being disciplined, never stick to a workout routine. Another perspective might be that you have gotten some great things done despite getting distracted, you’ve been passionate about learning something and that’s taken a priority over work tasks you’re dreading, and you are tired and need some rest before you can tackle exercise with excitement.

Each of these examples have very different stories about the same situations — it’s about which details you pay attention to, and how you shape the narrative of those details.

Now, telling ourselves stories is natural — we all do it, all the time. There’s nothing wrong with it. But if we’re not aware of the stories we tell ourselves, we can’t understand how they shape our happiness, relationships, moods, and more.

These stories often include blame because our brains are hardwired to figure out the source of our discomfort so it can understand it and feel in control. There’s a story Brené Brown tells about dropping a cup of coffee in her kitchen and blaming her husband for it because he “made her stay up late” the night before. He calls while she’s cleaning it up and she gets pissy with him. Does this sound familiar at all? I remember taking my kids to Disneyland when they were little. During the flight, my daughter needed to use the bathroom, but they were all occupied, so we had to wait in the aisle. At the same time, we hit an air pocket and both of us dropped to the floor. I looked up at my husband and gave him the “well, aren’t you going to do something about this? Fix this!” look. Like what is HE going to do about it?! I was like, fix this. Talk to someone. Don’t let this happen. Like it was his fault, but I wanted to feel some sense of control in a situation I couldn’t. Sheesh!

Think about the stories you have around your workplace. What are you telling yourself about your boss? Your coworkers? The executive leadership team? Do you have a coworker who is difficult to work with – by your standards? What stories do you tell yourself about them? Or maybe you’ve been waiting for a promotion and haven’t gotten it yet. What are you telling yourself about that? Is it about you or is it about your boss?

Then there are our friends. We have all kinds of stories around those relationships, right? 

·        I’m always the one that reaches out and makes plans.

·        She never calls me to see how I’m doing.

·        She should know I don’t like sushi.

·        Why does she always date the same loser guys.

As we go through life, our friendships do shift and change. Are you open to that or do your stories remain the same? I’m a firm believer that not all friendships are meant to be for life. I’ve had many wonderful friends for a season.

What about your relationship with your parents or kids? I find these to be really interesting especially now that I have kids that are adults living their own lives. There is a change in how I relate to them and I’ve noticed that they have some old stories about me and I have old ones about them. I have decided that getting to know them as adults is the place I want to hang out in. Of course, I have thoughts about how they should live their lives, what career they would be successful in, how they should spend and save – all those parental things. I have to remind myself that I did a great job raising them and the decisions they make are not a reflection on me. Not the good ones and not the ones that don’t work out well. They own those. It’s how they are going to find their way in life.

And my hope is that they get to know me as a person and not just their mom. Know my dreams, my desires, my hopes for them – all of it. I will be honest that this is where I’ve been playing for a few years now and it can sometimes be disappointing – because of the stories I tell myself. So, I make sure to check in with them to ensure I have clarity. I also tell them often to check in with me because some of their ideas on what I would or wouldn’t say or do don’t reflect the person I am today. This is super important to me especially as they add spouses and kids to our family.

Then there is that significant other relationship. We bring in all kinds of stories and expectations to our romantic relationships and if we’re not aware, we can create problems that don’t need to exist. Having clear communication is key. Trusting that person with your feelings and being willing to be vulnerable is one of the key factors to a healthy long-term relationship. 

All the stories we carry are what create the experiences we have. Check in with your body when you feel a zing or reaction in the moment. Notice what your brain is dishing up when situations arise and you’re beginning to create your own monologue in your mind. Take a deep breath, pause and ask yourself, “What’s the story I’m telling myself about this?” Then listen. 

You can change the narrative in your own mind if you just slow down long enough to notice. You don’t have to stay stuck in negative patterns and feelings. You can choose to see your friend or spouse or parent through a different lens. 

How might you rewrite those stories? That’s what we’ll be talking about next week. So for now, begin to notice and jot down the stories that you know you want to let go of. Then decide to talk with the people in your life about them and see what rich conversations blossom from that.

And if you need help with this, reach out to me to schedule a call. It’s crucial to have a pair of neutral eyes and ears to help you discover your narratives and choose which ones to rewrite. And I’m really good at doing just that.

Alright my friends, as always please remember:

I believe in you.