Episode 94: Learning to Love Yourself and Your Life

February is the month of love, and this month is focused on self-love. As women, we are raised to be care givers and care takers. We are told that it’s our responsibility to ensure everyone else is doing well, physically, mentally and emotionally. And we don’t question it as we age until it becomes too much of a burden to carry and we’ve realized what we’ve lost in the process is ourselves. 

It's time to take your life back.

What You’ll Learn:

• The foundation for a life you love.
• Why self-compassion is so important.
• The benefits of embracing all of who you are.
• 5 key questions to ask yourself to create a life you love.

Take the first step to loving your life and  schedule your Discovery Call with me today. It’s time to create the life you were truly meant to live. It’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself – and the world. 

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Transcript

 Hey hey hey! Babs here and I’m excited to end this month’s series on self-love with a topic that I’m hearing so much about from women I know and my clients. There’s a theme that I’ve noticed over the last several months and there’s a blanket malaise that’s covering their ability to love their lives – and themselves in the process. So that’s what we’re going to focus on in this episode – loving your life and yourself.

As women, we are raised to be care givers and care takers. We are told that it’s our responsibility to ensure everyone else is doing well, physically, mentally and emotionally. And we don’t question it as we age until it becomes too much of a burden to carry and we’ve realized what we’ve lost in the process is ourselves. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve talked to this first quarter that are telling me they don’t know what they want, and they don’t know who they are. It’s time to take your life back.

I want you to love your life again. And I want you to love who you are right now in this very moment. It is possible for you, my friend. Having the courage to love yourself as you are right now a radical act.

But here’s the thing, self-love is the foundation for everything you want in life, and it's the basis upon which all other forms of love are built. Let’s be clear: self-love, it's not a trendy buzzword or a selfish indulgence either. It's about acknowledging your worth, respecting your needs and desires, and nurturing your growth. 

And when you love yourself, you then set the standard for how others should love you too. So you also become more resilient, more confident, and open to the abundance and joys of life. Self-love empowers you to pursue your dreams, set boundaries, and create healthy relationships. It's the foundation where your potential can grow into its fullest expression and cultivating self-love is a journey that looks different for everyone. So it might involve self-care practices like taking time for hobbies you love and discovering new ones, or it might mean challenging negative self-talk and practicing a lot of self-compassion.

I’ve put so much time and effort into this in the past year or so and I’m reaping the benefits of valuing myself and all that I am – the great parts of me and the parts that are flawed and human. And coming from a former perfectionist, that’s a big statement to make. And I will share that my inner critical voice has been very vocal during all these discoveries and changes. Intellectually, I know this is about her need to keep me safe because accepting who I am, loving who I am fully can be scary because I’m showing up in the world differently. And I’ve needed to use the tools I have to manage those negative messages so I can continue to grow and show up authentically. 

 Self-love is about making choices that reflect your values and moving away from things and/or people that drain your energy or your spirit. So, self-love, it's not a destination, it's not a box you get to check off like, oh, I love myself. All done. It's a practice. It's a way of being. 

So how do you even know if you're on the right track with self-love? It's not something you can easily or necessarily quantify, but you can gauge your process by reflecting on certain aspects of your relationship with yourself. When you show compassion rather than criticism to yourself, that’s self-love. When you set boundaries with people who consistently treat you poorly and hold those boundaries, that’s self-love. When you say no rather than yes to a request at work, knowing you and your team are at the brink of burnout, that’s self-love. When you honor your desires and do what you want, regardless of the opinions of others, that is self-love.

I read a few blogs and articles on self-love and I’m sharing a few questions that will help you explore your relationship with yourself.

How do I talk to myself?

Most of us are so busy doing things that we rarely take the time to listen to how we talk to ourselves. We just take the message to heart and believe it’s true. Most of what we think is negative because our brains are programmed for survival, but is that really what you want to be thinking? Negative and critical thoughts about yourself? Doesn’t sound like a good formula for self-love, right? Be honest: are you critical or compassionate? Would you say to someone that you love the same things you say to yourself?  Think of a small child, around 4 or 5 years old. Would you talk to them that way? I’m sure not. See yourself with compassionate and loving eyes. 

Do I listen to and honor my needs?

Self-love means acknowledging and attending to your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Do you give yourself what you need to thrive? Or do you tend to ignore or suppress your needs while putting the needs of others first? Remember the safety tip when you fly – put your oxygen mask on first. This applies to self-love, too.

How do I celebrate my successes/achievements?

I cannot tell you how important it is to celebrate accomplishments, no matter how large or small. This is one way to cheer ourselves on, be proud of ourselves and have the energy to keep going. And I can tell you with all honesty that every single one of the hundreds of clients that I’ve coached has had a difficult time doing just that. It’s so important that it’s part of my private coaching program. Women downplay their accomplishments and minimize their skills. It doesn’t benefit anyone to play smaller than you truly are.

So, do you acknowledge your achievements, or do you downplay or overlook them?

Do I prioritize my own wellbeing? 

Putting yourself on your list of priorities is essential for self-love. So, do you make time for self-care and activities that nourish you, or do you constantly sacrifice your needs for others? Do you make sure you do things you like doing while on vacation or defer to what the rest of the people want? When did you decide you weren’t worth paying attention to? I just spoke with a client who came back to work from a 3-week medical leave. It’s her first day back and she’s got a terrible sinus infection. She called me to tell me she decided to go home and take the rest of the day off. Now, this may not sound like a big deal, but believe me it is. How many times have you told yourself you can push through and get the work done when you’re feeling like shit or come to work when you know you aren’t feeling good because of all the pressure our society has put on us to put ourselves last. We have to show up. We can’t take time off. Enough of that sister. Celebrate putting yourself first, putting your health first.

Am I honest with myself? 

Be honest about your feelings, desires and mistakes, that's crucial for a loving relationship with yourself. Be honest, not judgmental, OK? Do you face the truth even when it's scary and uncomfortable or do you avoid it? 

And I find that when we're so busy that the 4 Derailers™ creep in and take over - procrastination, people pleasing, perfectionism and proving -  these coping mechanisms are there to avoid honesty with ourselves. So really think about it. Is there an uncomfortable truth you're avoiding? And can you just be honest with yourself? Like, you know what? I'm really running myself ragged. What am I trying to avoid?

Do I compare myself with others?

Now, comparison can be the thief of joy and self-love. So, do you measure your worth against others of as I say to my clients, do you compare your insides to other peoples’ outsides? So, I think this is important because social media and our society in general. No one shows their struggles on social media, which has become the daily version of the annual Christmas card letter. You know the one you get that gives you the update on their lives, highlighting all the trips, colleges, accolades that they’ve experienced in the year. Just once I’d like to get one of those that’s actually honest – Jimmy went to rehab, I got laid off, and we’re still doing well. Real life stuff packaged with gratitude. But I digress.

One of the downsides of being human is that often we can see other people thriving, succeeding, having a great time, and use that as a gauge of how we’re doing. We can get really nasty with ourselves that we're not far enough along or doing enough or that we should have things that are major wins. And I want to encourage you, whenever you're feeling envious, whenever you're comparing yourself to just take a step back, take a beat and understand that that's admiration, that's been hijacked, right?

 Your higher self is happy for other people, your higher self admires accomplishments other people have, and then our nasty gremlin minds get involved and start twisting it. We compare ourselves to others. But here's the thing. Our unique journey is our unique journey. We are meant to live our lives and we can bring it back to ourselvesf BOOM like that. And self-love can make all the difference. So, as you go through these questions and answer them, and I hope you really do spend some time thinking about them and capture those thoughts in a journal. 

I want you to remember that self-love is a very personal and ongoing journey. So, you're not looking for perfection here. You're just aiming for more progress, a deeper understanding. Because remember I said at the top of this, it's not a destination, it's a practice. 

And once you begin the journey of loving yourself, you will find that your life has more meaning, more color, more amazingness. You will also find that you have a larger capacity for adventure, love, creativity – you name it. It all starts with the journey of loving yourself first. 

And that’s the perfect place to end. I’m here for you my friends, loving who you are right now. Join me in that, OK? And if you want help finding this and doing this, you know I’m there for you. Just schedule your Discovery Call with me asap. Until next time remember:

I believe in you.